Published: 1 years 25 days ago
" Woman, Mother, Sister, Daughter, If only you understood, it’s your choice; you are capable, beautiful, smart and able to do so much better. If only you understood. Your children and your family will stand by you, no matter what, the question is, how much more are you able to endure, simply with the hope that love will one day come out of that mouth?
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Dedicated to all children witnesses and survivors of domestic abuse/ violence. Based on true events from survivors…
By Farheen Khan (April 22, 2011)
A journal entry by Young Fatima (pseudonym)…
For as long as I can remember, I am remember the loud voices coming through my bedroom door while I pretend to be asleep in my bed in the dark; I remember the screams and the tears. They haunt me even today… the sheer sound of a raised voice – positive or negative makes me startle.
As a child, I remember being extra careful to ensure that things were always perfect. I remember promising my grandfather that I would take care of my mother….knowing very well that I was a child that was suddenly given the responsibility of being caregiver….something I inherited from the elders in the family, who were unable to intercede because of a false sense of culture and family respect and honour.
They say physical abuse is what really requires interception, but I would argue that words hurt and the bruises that result are much deeper than those that appear on the surface though both are unacceptable ways to treat a spouse or family.
Life, has been a rollercoaster, there are times when things seems to be normal, perhaps for a few hours or even a few days, but it only takes one incident to dip down into the valley yet again. Generally because of a small oversight on my mother’s part such as not tying the garbage bag before going to bed or leaving the light on at the end of the day only to discover it the next morning.
That one oversight sets the tone for the rest of the day and the interactions that will result from our father. An anger ridden man that has no tolerance for anything but perfection. A warped sense of perfection that no one can seem to achieve; no matter how hard they try to.
The words used to describe my mother and her faults, even though she has raised his beautiful children are disrespectful to say the least. Respect is a word that means absolutely nothing in the household and in particular to the spouse. One can only hope that they see a smile or hear a word of pleasure, but the thought and actuality of that is quite rare.
I can’t forget the way my mother eagerly waited day and in and day out for him to arrive and for her to listen to his day and to share the children’s stories and experiences throughout the day. But that was far from the reality, the moment the door opened, the screams and shouts began - awful words, profanity which has now become a normal way of life. And then slowly over the years, the eagerness, turned into resentment and now there’s just a void…a quite dead silence…as if there’s no reason to care.
The words, now internalized so deeply that few can help her understand that she isn’t what she’s called or learned to believe that she is. And now the constant tears… looking towards her children for comfort…the roles have reversed and remain that way.
And the story continues….the Hand me Downs of abuse, and tomorrow, will I be my mother? Will I end up in the same situation? Its experiences like these that make you wonder if Marriage is even an option, where trust, respect and mutual love and affection are simply a fantasy in a fairy tale. The reality in many households is far from that. Why then should we subject ourselves to such disrespect and pain?
Dear God, give us all the strength to break the cycle of abuse. The realization that abuse affects one person and not an entire family and an entire generation is completely false.
A familiar story in many homes; I know. But when will it end?
Woman, Mother, Sister, Daughter, If only you understood, it’s your choice; you are capable, beautiful, smart and able to do so much better. If only you understood. Your children and your family will stand by you, no matter what, the question is, how much more are you able to endure, simply with the hope that love will one day come out of that mouth?
The step to recovery is difficult, but not impossible…. Your options are many….just reach out and give it try….please….don’t hand it down…break the cycle, only you can!
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Farheen Khan is a consultant, writer and social activist. She is an advocate for Women’s rights, specifically for survivors of sexual violence. Farheen is a graduate of CITY Leaders and Maytree Foundation's Leaders for Change and the DiverseCity Fellows 2010. Farheen is also the author of a book titled “From Behind the Veil: A Hijabi’s Journey to Happiness” which speaks about her experience as a Muslim woman experiencing gendered Islamophobia post 9/11 and her journey from Corporate Canada to Social Justice as a result.
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